I suppose I should have started the morning off with some sense of trepidation, perhaps a little hesitation or even the suggestion of a question mark hovering over my ability to actually follow through on my plans to get up and exercise at 5am, or whether I could really just eat what’s on my plan and nothing else. At least, that’s how the first day of every “diet” I’ve ever been on before has begun. Full of determination – but also doubt. I call them the Double Ds.
Determination is something I’ve never been short of. This is not a brag of any kind, but I guess I am a little proud of the fact that I can keep falling down and getting back up more times than I’ve had hot chips. I may get weary and teary, but I can keep coming back, keep trying. Admittedly, in some circumstances that’s not always a good thing. But the determination to get myself a healthier, happier body has been with me for twenty years and more, and is what has got me here, doing this right now.
The doubt though, that’s also been there, in the shadows, dogging my every move. The worst part about it is that it’s not irrational. It’s founded on hard, basic facts, on a record of failure I can’t deny. Past failure feeds the doubt. Alas, the doubt then feeds future failure. The Double Ds are a guaranteed path to failuredom and even just thinking about them together like this makes me feel ill.
So imagine my surprise when I got up at 5am Monday morning to find Mr Doubt had taken a hike! And, in place of determination, I just got, “This is what we do every morning now. This is life now.”
I just got up and did it. No questions, no lying in bed wanting another five minutes (an activity at which I am a supreme master – just a shame I can’t burn any calories doing it), no thinking I’ll do it when I get home from work instead. No debate at all, in fact. I just got up and did it.
Then I just ate my planned food. I enjoyed it, I wasn’t hungry, and I got to the end of the day satisfied, organized, ready to do it all again – and with no sign of Doubt, Determination went to bed early.
It’s a good start, and I don’t expect it to be so easy every day, but it was actually just really nice to have it be easy at least once. Having it so easy again is a goal to aim for, a habit I could form, a pattern I could happily live with.
And that’s my plan.
No related posts.