I’ve been here before and I can tell you I hated it then, and I hate it now. It’s not so much a fail position as a No-Man’s-Land. I’m suspended on a high-wire, neither running smoothly nor crashed and burned – but I can see the crash site from here as I dangle, ungainly and unc0-ordinated.
The last three weeks have been hard work. Hard in that in my head, I’m going to do better each day but the reality is far from better and way closer to worse. I haven’t given up – haven’t even come close. I haven’t even considered giving up, which is the strong thread I’m holding onto at the moment.
I knew this would happen. I knew I’d get to the point where it would all start to fall apart, but I thought that I’d taken enough steps to prevent it this time. But now, as I look back over the last 7.5 weeks, I know full-well that I didn’t take many steps at all. I meant to, I wanted to, but I didn’t. I never got around to doing all the things I’d meant to do and now I’m suffering from it.
It’s a horrible place to be in. My motivation hasn’t shifted. I still want to do this, and I’m determined to. But there’s this quiet, sneaking sliver of suspicion that I might have been fooling myself in thinking this was doable. That it all might be no more than wishful thinking. Suggestions of doubt are lethal. They take all the wind out of my sails and leave me wallowing in the dolldrums, waiting for a faint breeze.
I want to get myself out of this spot. I want to get back to the point where I’m in control, organised and enthusiastic about the whole diet thing. I really liked living like that. It’s a much nicer way to live than this, where I eat stuff that’s not so good for me, and don’t eat the stuff I’m supposed to. While I haven’t been bingeing or anything, I have had some chocolate and greasy food that just makes me feel ill and a lot of other stuff that I shouldn’t have had. Not happy at all.
There is only one option open to me – given that giving up is impossible – and that’s to actually complete all the steps I meant to in the first place. I had them all planned, and sort of did most of them – but early success gave me a false sense of security and I didn’t pursue those steps with all the determination I should have. Basically – I did almost exactly what I have done on my previous attempts and guess what? It’s failing again.
But there are some definite differences – these blog posts for one. Plus the fact that the new things I was going to do didn’t actually fail. I simply took my eye off the ball and forgot how important it was to do them. So that’s my goal now. To get it all happening, properly, learning my lessons. It will probably take me a week to wind back up and to put those things in place, but there’s no reason it can’t be done. No reason I can’t do it – and every reason to try. In coming posts, I’ll talk a bit more about what else I’m trying to do differently.
And just for the sake of being really fair to myself – although I’ve struggled over the last few weeks, at no point have I thrown in the towel. I still start off each day with the right food and the right attitude. I can’t tell you what a big deal that is for me. Usually this kind of rocky road is enough to make me stop in my tracks. But I now seem to have tractor tires fitted – so on I go :-).